By the time we are mothers, we've each lived long enough to have things in our past that are best left in the past. For the most part, the ugly in my past stays there and doesn't poke its nose into my daily business. But every now and then something happens that causes me to unpack the memories and take a look at them. The other night was one of those times. I'm not sure what exactly brought it on, but I started thinking about the events that transpired before I was married, while I was in college, when I left a church sometimes described as a cult. That night, while the rest of the house was asleep, I wrote this:
I am as guilty as sin as the saying goes. Guilty of sin. Despicable sin. Sin so ugly it would make your ears bleed if I told you the truth of it. Sin that nailed my Savior to the cross. While I was still a sinner, He sought me out. He died for me, knowing that it would only be through the blood He shed that I would find hope. Now my hope has been made complete because after Jesus died to pay the debt for my sins, He rose from the dead proving that death has no hold over Him. And if death has no hold over Him, then it has no hold over me, for He is our propitiation!
It's a night of deep thoughts and even deeper feelings. A night to reflect on what has been and marvel at the fingerprints of God all along the way. It's a night to fall on my face before God and adore Him for His lovingkindness, to stand in awe of His holiness, that a sinner such as I could even dream of approaching His throne, and yet He welcomes me! He draws me in and takes a personal interest in my story.
Thank you, Lord, for letting me take away the good from my experience in the past. Thank you for building, rather for re-building, my trust in the assembly of the saints. Thank you for broadening my understanding of the world, of people from all walks of life, and for giving me your heart of love for them, that though they are lost and deceived, there is always hope for redemption. That You do heal the brokenhearted and proclaim release for the captive. You, Oh God, are truly the Almighty!